Am I broken?
I'm a busy lady, I work and study and cook and create. I love my seaside life, I run on the beach and fuss over my husband, my cat and my dog but I'm also trying to conceive a baby with my other half. My husband is supportive and caring, he loves to give massages and talk to me about my work, thoughts and feelings. We laugh constantly and learn from each other daily, we share a beautiful life by the seaside and it's all truly wonderful with the exception of one tiny thing. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it has tainted our otherwise happy lives. My hormones are unreliable, they're moody, they're up, they're down and truthfully if they were another person, we probably wouldn't be friends as I don't think I could handle it.
That being said I sometimes feel responsible and guilty, that perhaps it's my fault. My body is supposed to do this wonderful thing, right? I mean I have the necessary tools, so why can't I make anything? Why do I feel like a hollow shell sometimes? Fragmented and broken. I feel an immense heaviness with each revolution of my cycle when I realise that August, November, March and May have not been our months. I plot my daily temperature and weight and all the business in between from moods to hunger, I don't consume alcohol or smoke cigarettes. I drink green smoothies and take vitamins enriched with folate just in case... Then sometime in the past week, a perfect stranger imparted some wisdom. Surrender.
I feel it's a simple enough theory but in the past few days I have felt a reassuring calm take over my body. Each breath feels deeper, somehow cleaner; each stride feels stronger, and with each passing day I reflect on my health with greater vitality and respect. I may have surrendered in the battle against my negativity but renewed hope has washed over me and in this fresh calm we will continue to try.
Thank you for all of your wonderful support from my first fertility post: Eggs Part I. The kind words, well wishes and happy stories about your own pregnancies and those of your dearest friends have touched me. I feel more patience and firmly believe that things will work out for us in one way or another.
Love Bella xx