I miss this. Stopping everything for a brief moment to allow her to latch and continuing a conversation or making dinner as she rested in a sling against me, gently pulling nourishment from my body. There was a lot I didn't expect at this time - feeling fatigue and dehydration beyond what I thought was humanly possible; losing more hair than what I had started with pre-pregnancy... Still mourning the birth I had hoped for her, for us.
That stung the longest.
It took a long time to write my thoughts about her journey to my arms from my round belly. I held onto the fear and resentment towards the doctor involved for far too long and it was crippling at unexpected times, like when I was paying for groceries or having a super quick-turned-long shower. Eventually, as often happens as time passes, something gave way and I let go of the hurt, allowing me to be kinder to myself, more forgiving and with less expectation of what I should or should not be doing.
Self love and acceptance of what had already happened released my self-imposed shackles.
Healing from physical pain and surgical disfigurement post-childbirth took it's toll on me mentally and it's something I wanted to share here, something deeply personal that I should not have felt ashamed about then. Looking back on photos of Love breastfeeding fills me with tear-streaming joy and it serves as a reminder of how fortunate I am to have this beautiful little girl in my life. I feel my heart swell with gratitude every single day and that's something worth holding onto, experiencing and cherishing.